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Rabbi Yehuda {Leonard} Blank MS, BCC
Vice President of Professional Development and External Affairs
Chair of the Chaplaincy Commission
Rabbinical Alliance of America/Igud HaRabbonim
917-446-2126  rablenblank@gmail.com
*January 1, 2025, 12, Teves, 5786*
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Saying Goodbye

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We learned in the Torah how Yaakov was the first person to become ill before dying. He had the opportunity to say his goodbyes, meeting with his family before his death. Before that episode, a person could die instantaneously or at any given time. Understanding death, what is it like, what happens to a person a death door, and what about the thereafter. There have been many books and discussions about death. One such book is “Afterlife. The Jewish View: Where Are We Headed?” by Jonathan Morgenstern with extended footnotes and a foreword by Rabbi Sholom Kamenetsky Mosaica Press.  Also “The Avi Uziel a”h Edition, Eternal Nachas, by Rabbi Avigdor Miller, On Losing a Parent , Simcha Hachaim Publishing. Yaakov addressed each of his sons about the future tribes of Klal Yisrael before his departure from this world. 

Rabbis and Chaplains also can have an immense impact on the lives of loved ones and others in preparation for the next phase of a person’s life. I would like to share some personal experiences I had as a rabbi and as a chaplain dealing with end-of-life concerns.

    At the nursing and rehabilitation where I worked, there was a relatively young woman named Miriam who was a patient there. She was in her sixties the youngest resident (patient) and was quite lonely as she was very uncomfortable being there, especially without any family to care for her. She did not appreciate some of the staff who she felt were speaking to her as if she was a child or just the opposite, as a very elderly person without any regard for or understanding of   her feelings or emotions. For some reason, the discharge staff at the hospital where she was a patient did not take into consideration nor had a meaningful discussion with her about her emotions after having a mastectomy. The only person she felt comfortable with in sharing her innermost secrets was me. She was devastated when after a follow up exam, she was told that her cancer had spread and she would need a second mastectomy. She was so fearful that there was no hope for her and she would die alone without anyone caring for her with the exception of myself.  She shared with me her life history and her grief of never having been married and her many challenges in her life. She had only one relative, an uncle with whom she had had no contact with him for many years and when she did, their relationship was not pleasant at all. She did not want counseling with the social worker or visiting psychologist. Unfortunately, the cancer started to spread, her physical condition worsened and her fear of dying increased. She had so much emotional pain and wanted to cry. She was so fearful of dying alone, with pain and most of all if she would go to heaven or not and what would happen to her soul. She wanted to know if she would somehow meet her parents and other family members many she was estranged from. She didn’t even know where she would be buried. Most of all, she wanted me to ensure I would be with her as often as possible throughout the day as she knew I had other responsibilities. She was so afraid of the pain increasing and did not want to die alone -only with me next to her. My time with her increased, as did all of my reassurances that she would be given pain medications. I was with her as often as possible and discussed with her the many concerns she had. Toward the last days of her life, I stayed with her as often as possible. She thanked me for the care I gave her and all the time I spent with her. She mentioned that her many fears seemed to have disappeared because of me and how comforting I was. My tefilos continued on behalf of her. When it was the time she was about to pass, I recited the viduy with her in a comforting way to help her soul in her next journey to Shamayim. I sat next to her as she was drifting in and out of consciousness until her last breath. Many of the staff came to share their heartfelt feelings,  some reciting their own prayers. Everyone was weeping and when she finally died many were unable to hold back from crying openly. Death of patients was not new to the staff, but this patient who was so young was special to them. I was able to contact her uncle who took an interest in ensuring Beverly would receive a respectable burial. Unfortunately, by the time I was able to contact him, he was unable to visit Miriam before her death. Before she died, she had a chance to say her goodbyes to the staff and requested that I should give my goodbye to her uncle, the only relative she knew. She was grateful that I was able to contact her uncle who ensured she would have a proper burial and would not be forgotten. To this day I include her in my Yizkor services. 

  As a chaplain for MJHS (Metropolitan Jewish Health System), Hospice and Palliative care, I was assigned to Mrs. Schwartz (not her real name), who was a hospice patient and a Holocaust Survivor. She was a widow who lived with a home attendant. Her three grown children would spend a great deal of time with her and often one of her daughters would sleep over sometimes with the grandchildren. Mrs. Schwartz was quite alert and as one might say, she was with it.   After my first visit, Mrs. Schwartz requested I visit more frequently, which I did. During those visits our relationship became closer as it did with her daughters. Mrs. Schwartz shared with me her experiences during the Holocaust and the many dangers and challenges she encountered. Death followed her wherever she was and to the thousands always surrounding her. She faced death i numerous times and recited by heart to the best of her ability the Viduy prayer.  She shared with me her many close calls of dying throughout the years of the Holocaust and for many years until the present time.  She shared how many times throughout the years she thought that she would have to say goodbye to relatives and friends, not knowing what to expect the following day. She felt very comfortable sharing with me many personal things about herself.  On one of my visits, the daughters took me aside and mentioned how their mother was deteriorating physically. They consulted with me about what to do as time goes on. Then they brought me into the living room where their mother was sitting.  Mrs. Schwartz shared with me how concerned she was about her daughters and their fears of her death.  She told them that she will leave this world when H decides it is time for her to finally be with her husband, parents and family who are already in Shamayim and that she was not fearful of dying. She will say goodbye to all. I received a call from one of the daughters to return as soon as possible as they felt the time had arrived that their mother was dying. They hoped that I could visit with her at least one more time. When I arrived, the daughters filled me about their mothers change and we reviewed all that I had shared with them what to expect and what to do as time when on. They were not sure it was a good time for me to go upstairs to their mother’s bedroom but they did mention how much their mother wanted to see me again One of the daughters escorted me upstairs and knocked on her mother’s bedroom door. She mentioned that Rabbi Blank was here. Mrs. Schwartz shared that she was not afraid of dying and had already recited the Vidui many times throughout the years of her life. She wanted to bless me and asked me for a bracha as well. She asked me not to shed any tears and to leave knowing the comfort and chizuk I gave her and her family which was so much appreciated.  She then mentioned it was time for her to say tzeischem leshalom.   

I also had hospice patients who were children of different ages and backgrounds. My approach and ways of dealing with youth was different than dealing with adults. There were times I witnessed children who were aware of their illness and wanted to say goodbye to their parents and siblings.  The hospice team was made up of chaplains, social workers, doctors, nurses, music and art therapists and other professionals who worked collaboratively with children, parents and family members.  The hospice team was caring in many ways acting with tremendous love, kindness and empathy.  

I have experienced many goodbyes, and I am briefly going to share one other experience and that is saying goodbye by parents to a still born. I was present with the mother holding a still-born baby in her arms with her husband next to her.  I gave them support based on  my training and knowledge with a sincere heart and loving kindness. 

After hearing about the above stories, one can only imagine what it was like with the sons and father Yaakov Avinu at those challenging and sensitive moments towards the end of our forefather’s life.

Rabbis, chaplains and rebbetzins can have a tremendous impact on those who are at the end of their lives as well as their families. Having training and being educated in pastoral care is a tremendous benefit. However, we all must be sensitive in choosing one’s words of chizuk and to know when and how to be involved with those who seek our wisdom, knowledge and TLC.

May H Yisbarach provide us with the wisdom to help guide those to whom we are ministrating to in their trying, challenging and sensitive moments.

Sincerely, Rabbi Yehuda Blank