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Rabbi Yehuda {Leonard} Blank MS, BCC
Vice President of Professional Development and External Affairs
Chair of the Chaplaincy Commission
Rabbinical Alliance of America/Igud HaRabbonim
917-446-2126 rablenblank@gmail.com
= July 11th, 2024, Tammuz 5784 =
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“Reactions To Tragedy”
A Personal Reflection Of A Mother And Her Stillborn Infant
The Hakaros Hatov Of A Gaon After The Demise Of His Rebbetzin
The Shidduch That Was Not Meant To Be
With The Follow Up Of The Engagement That Was Meant To Be.
H’s master plan. Only He knows what is best for us.
Words of Hope
“The secret to a good life. A person must always ask himself:
What does H want from me right now?”
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Reactions To Tragedy by Rabbi Shraga Freedman: From Living Kiddush H
Yated Ne’eman, June 28, 2024 Page 77. “On Tuesday morning, January 16, 2007, Mrs. Tirtza Amsel brought her two-year-old daughter Elisheva to the pediatrician’s office for a routine fever and cough. As Tirtza laid her daughter down on the examining table, Elisheva closed her eyes and her lips began to turn blue. “Dr Markson !” the nurse called. “Come quick!”
The next few minutes were a blur of activity. Dr. Jay Marson ran into the room and began attempting to resuscitate the toddler. Paramedics appeared and attempted to intubate the girl. Then they rushed her to the hospital.
Before long, a doctor approached the Amsel’s and somberly murmured, “We’ve been working on her for about 30 minutes and I think what I need to tell you is…that we couldn’t bring her back.”
Yehuda and Tirtza wept, then said the brocha of Dayan Ha’emes. A very distraught Dr. Markson was among the first people to arrive at the hospital. The Amsel’s tried to comfort him and expressed their gratitude for his attempt to save Elisheva’s life.
A few days later, the Amsel’s learned from a frum social worker on the hospital staff about the profound impact of their instinctive reactions. The emergency room doctor who had dealt with the case, an irreligious Jew, had attended the funeral. She had wept openly at the funeral and expressed her amazement at the family’s dignity and faith.
About a week after the incident, the hospital held a staff meeting to review their protocols. The staff spent most of the meeting discussing how deeply they had been affected by the Amsel’s and their community. The family pediatrician remarked that he had never before been thanked when a family lost a child. The entire room was silent in awed respect as they digested his comment.
“The hospital’s experience with you made them more respectful of halacha and those who observe it” the social worker told the parents. “This experience is continuing to affect them in a positive way even now.”
Even with their hearts filled with grief, the Amsel’s took consolation from the immense kiddush H that had come about from their loss.
In Parshas Shemini (10:3), Nadav and Avihu died during the inauguration of the Mishkon. After their deaths, Moshe told Aharon that H had said, “ Bikrovai ekadeish, I will be sanctified through those who are close to Me, “ The Rashbam explains differently than Rashi: Aharon felt that he should cease his avodah and mourn over his loss, but Moshe instructed him not to do so, Bikrovai ekadeish refers to Aharon and the Kohanim Gedolim, who are “ close” to H. H is sanctified when the people who are “ close” to Him continue to pour their energies into serving H despite their loss. The kiddush H that results from a tragedy, according to the Rashbam, is not a result of the tragedy itself. Rather, it stems from the reactions of those who live on and must cope with their misfortune.
When tragedy strikes, lo aleinu, it is important to recognize that even such events are part of H’s master plan to bring about kavod Sheim Shomayim. Aside from the fact that a display of Divine judgment can instill fear in the hearts of human beings, it also creates circumstances in which those who live with the pain can demonstrate their closeness to H through their reactions of loyalty, acceptance, faith and humility.” (Rabbi Shraga Freedman is the educational director of Living Kiddush H Foundation and the author of Sefer Mekadshei Shemecha, Living Kiddush H, and A Life Worth Living. Email LivingKiddush Hashem @gmail.com for a free download of the sefer. Visit LivingKiddushHashem.org for more resources.)
It is said that after Rebbetzin Tamah Kamenetsky a”h was nifteres, the Rosh Yeshiva, Rav Shmuel Kamenetsky had gone to a waiting car but before leaving, he told the driver to please wait as he had to return to the hospital floor. He returned so he could thank the staff for their kindness.
As a chaplain during my CPE chaplaincy internship at the Beth Israel Medical Center (now called the Mount Sinai Medical Center) I was also assigned during my three years to meet patients throughout the hospital including parents in the family practice, pediatric,* oby, and post birth units. I met the parents of a stillborn infant. My heart went out to them especially seeing a mother holding her deceased child. She was holding and swaying with such love and tears. An entire future is now gone. For the Orthodox Jewish mother and father the thoughts of simchas hachaim for this child are no longer possible. With calmness and serenity, the parents gave thanks to the staff for their compassionate understanding and love. I was not there to give any speeches, but for emotional and spiritual support. As a chaplain it was also important to be there for the staff as well giving them the spiritual, emotional support and appropriate prayers that they need. There are various halachos pertaining to the death of an infant and for that matter, anyone of any age. However, these halachos are not for discussion at this time. Throughout the years I have worked with life and death situations in my various positions. Aside from the halachic and minhagim aspects dealing with patients, care givers, family members, staff and others, there are many other issues and concerns that are important to know, including other people of other cultures and backgrounds. Knowledge, experience and common sense are very important attributes a rabbi and or chaplain most have. It is also very important for a chaplain to have the appropriate training such as CPE, Clinical Pastoral Education. There are also pastoral courses included in rabbinic training. This training helped me deal with the death of my wife as well as with other patients and family members. I was forrtunate to have had Poskim , mental health professionals and colleagues to confer with and seek their guidance as needed. We all have had moments of inspiration where there were opportunities of kiddush H.
There is a master plan the Ribono shel Olam has for each and everyone of us. We can wonder what His plans are but we are not privy to His plans or decisions. Often a person who we are ministering to seeks to have some understanding of what he or she is going through or “why it is happening to me”. We surely are not prophets nor specialists who can help analyze why certain things have happened. We can surmise but do not have the raw data a person is seeking to help him/her to understand. We can offer the importance of being thankful of H and seeking ways of improving our situations in life.
A man or woman might have put a lot of koach into a shidduch with days, weeks or months of “hard work” only to see the shidduch unravel. There could be tears and many questions as to why the shidduch fell apart. Yet, with the help of H a new shidduch can materialize leading successfully to a mazel tov; lechaim. The Shidduch That Was Not Meant To Be With The Follow Up Of The Engagement That Was Meant To Be. Everything is up to H. There might be frustration, disappointment, or being upset at the events that caused the breakup, or even blaming oneself. Working on seeking appropriate answers, if there are any, could be helpful, but finding who and for what reasons to be angry, is surely not. Seeking faith and trust in H is important. Having hope is very important. Seeking helpful and meaningful advice is always important. We can learn many of the Amsel’s attributes and how they were able to bring themselves with calmness reciting the bracha of Baruch Dayan Ha’emes when they were told of the passing of their daughter.
From The Neshamah Should Have An Aliyah by Rabbi Tzvi Hebel. The Judaica Press Inc. Pages 42, 43. “True Emunah (Faith) Despite everything we have said, it is entirely possible that these messages of hope and comfort will not address the very real suffering that a mourner experiences. For some, comfort can only come from emunah.
Many of us are aware of the statement of our Sages (Berachos 60b), that everything that G does is for the good. We may not understand at the time how a certain event is “for the good,” but we are taught to believe that, ultimately, everything that happens is part of G’s master plan for each individual and for the world. In the future, G will reveal how every event-from the most miniscule to the most tragic- was absolutely necessary and thoroughly beneficial to all involved.
The blessing we make upon the death of a loved one, “Baruch Dayan Ha’emes- Blessed is the Judge of Truth,” is an acknowledgment of what we know with our intellect to be correct- that G is the true Judge, and, in some hidden way, this event is a benefit.
Still, though a person knows many things with his intellect, truly feeling it with his heart is another matter. Emunah is something that takes time to fully develop. Through constant effort, a person can continually strengthen and build up his faith, and ultimately infuse his heart with belief in G and His goodness. The Torah wants us to strive throughout our lives- through thought and deed- to raise our level of emunah until it totally permeates us. Ultimately, true comfort will only come either our wholehearted belief in G’s kindness.
The Torah is our guide for all phases of our lives, both joyful and sad. There is light beyond the darkness, and the Torah has shown us that light. We can assist both the departed and ourselves by performing good deeds on their behalf. We can dramatically improve our loved one’s situation and at the same time attain a measure of comfort for ourselves. As long as we have the will, we can continue throughout our lives to assist our departed loved ones, providing for their eternal happiness.”
We are constantly praying to the Ribono shel Olam for everything that is important in our lives but we also pray for those who we minister to. We cannot and must not give up hope of H’s goodness and His kindness. We must always remember that H does have a master plan that is for our benefit and for the benefit of Klal Yisrael. As rabbis, rebbetzins and chaplains, we understand how uneasy and difficult it may be for someone going through a challenging phase in his or her life or that of one’s family member. There is so much beyond the scope of our understanding, for we do not know G’s ways or what His plans might be. However, being understanding, saying the appropriate words of encouragement, of chizuk or advice can have a tremendous impact on a person’s outlook in life. Patience is a virtue. Not everyone has the patience especially when he/she is seeking the yeshua sooner than later. If only we would have the “magic wand” to make the changes in a person’s life, or make things happen but we truly know it is up to H. We can only say and do our best and be mispallel with all of our hearts with sincerity to be a source of spiritual and emotional support whenever and however possible. We join together and pray to the Ribono shel Olam for the best to happen.
From Chasidic Masters by Rabbi Aryeh Kaplan: Rabbi Nachman of Breslov
“You may fall to the lowest depths, heaven forbid, but no matter how low you have fallen, it is still forbidden to give up hop. Repentance is higher even than the Torah, and there is therefore absolutely no place for despair.
If you are worthy, even your worst sins can be turned into something good. We are taught that even sins can be transformed into virtue. Even your failings and shortcomings can be brought back to G, since nothing is beyond His power.
The most important thing is never to give up, but to continue to cry out and pray to G.”
“The attribute of wisdom is actually higher than faith. Still, you must avoid the wisdom of speculation and rely on faith alone. Faith has great power, and when you follow its path, you can attain Desire, a level even higher than Wisdom”
From 102 Stories That Changed People’s Lives: by Rabbi Tzvi Nakar, Tfutza Publications . Pages 15-16 “The Mysterious Billboard Campaign” Rabbi Benzion Sneh related the following story in the daily shiur he delivers after Shacharis. The events in the story started September 2021 and concluded a few months later on Erev Chanukah.
A philanthropist was visiting a yeshiva in Los Angeles when he notice a billboard across the street displaying a picture that was…..inappropriate, to say the least. He was horrified. Hundreds 0f bachurim walked down that street every day.
He called the company responsible for renting out the billboard and asked if he could pay for an ad, hoping he would be able to remove the offending picture. The company representative said that the space had been rented out in advance for the next several months, but the philanthropist was insistent and stated that he was prepared to pay more than the asking price.
“Are you prepared to pay a thousand dollars a day?”
“Yes, I am.”
Half an hour later, the company called him back and said that the advertiser was willing to take down their billboard. The philanthropist was thrilled and transferred ninety thousand dollars to the company’s account for a ninety-day billboard rental. Then the representative asked him what he wanted to advertise.
“I don’t,” he said.
After several moments’ silence, the representative said, “You can’t leave it empty. You have to put something there.”
“Fine,” the philanthropist answered. “Then I’d like to put there the words, “Ninety days…Eighty-nine days…Eighty- eight days…And so on.”
Passerby started to notice the sign, and their curiosity was piqued. Everyone began discussing what was going to be revealed at the end of the ninety days. The media picked up the story and speculated on what was behind the ad. They contracted the philanthropist and asked him to reveal the secret, but he refused.
“It’s a surprise,” was all he’d say.
The truth of the matter was that he hadn’t planned on advertising anything and had only wanted to replace the offending billboard.
A few days before the ad was to finish its ninety-day run, the Coca -Cola company called him with a fantastic offer; they would take the space on day 90 in exchange for three million dollars.
It was a win-win. Coca-Cola got a part in a brilliant advertising campaign, and he earned three million dollars. All in the merit of this extraordinary ad. The Secret To A Good Life. A person must always ask himself: What does H want from me right now?
Sincerely, Rabbi Yehuda Blank