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Rabbi Yehuda {Leonard} Blank MS, BCC
Vice President of Professional Development and External Affairs
Chair of the Chaplaincy Commission
Rabbinical Alliance of America/Igud HaRabbonim
917-446-2126 rablenblank@gmail.com,
*May 28, 2026, 12, Sivan, 5786*
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Self- Esteem and Self – Worth
Questions a person might ask oneself.
We have journeyed from Pesach to Shavuous and now comes the summer. To some it will be the beginning of the summer vacation. To others it will be just another period of possibly beautiful weather. Hours of work, learning or just leisure. Will those days be fruitful and meaningful? Will I be able to improve physically, emotionally or spiritually? How do I see myself and how do I believe others see me? Will I be able to do physical activities? Do I have self-esteem, thinking positively about oneself? Where am I in life? Am I jealous and wish I could be like the other person?
When it comes to learning Torah, does one ask himself or herself how capable am I in my learning? Do I appreciate what I am able to accomplish and able to succeed in doing? Do I feel alone? Am I a recluse? Do I have a meaningful relationship whether it be with a spouse or a friend? Do I blame myself for my inabilities whatever they may be? Am I able to be self-motivated or do I feel I am not able to achieve much in my life? Do I have a desire and fulfillment in doing gemilus chasadim, loving kindness, for others? What does the Torah say about self-esteem or self- worth? Do I have the desire to make every day special for myself and for others? Do I have true emunah/faith and bitachon/trust in H? Do I believe those who are successful always had self-esteem? Did Rabbi Dr. Twerski always have self-esteem? Read on to see what Rabbi Dr. Avraham J. Twerski had to say about self- esteem and self- worth.
A Key to Self-Esteem
Aish.com > Weekly Torah Portion > Beginner >
Rabbi Avraham Twerski’s Insights on the Torah
Vayishlach (Genesis 32:4-36:43)
Series: Rabbi Avraham Twerski’s Insights on the Torah
Jacob was left alone and a man wrestled with him until the break of dawn (32:25)
The Midrash states that the person who attacked Jacob was the guardian angel of Esau. The commentaries add that this angel represents the yetzer hara, the prime spiritual force of evil that wished to vanquish Jacob and his descendants.
The rabbi of Slonim interprets this verse to provide us with an important lesson. He points out that the Hebrew word vayivoser – was left – can also mean “to be superfluous,” and the message of the verse is that Jacob felt that he was superfluous when he was alone, isolated and detached from others.
The Psalmist says, “For I have said that the world is built upon chesed (loving-kindness).” The Chassidic writings interpret this verse as a reason for Creation. Although we cannot have any concept into the essence of the Divine attributes, we are told that God created the world because “it is in the nature of the good to do good” and without a world, there would be no recipients for God’s goodness.
We are supposed to emulate the Divine attributes, and the foremost obligation of man is to do chesed. But chesed cannot be done in a vacuum. The phrase, “God said `It is not good that man be alone.” (Genesis 2:18) means not only that a person should not be without a spouse, but also that “there can be no goodness when man is alone.” Goodness requires that there be a relationship, a recipient of one’s chesed. Inasmuch as the purpose of creation was for man to emulate God in doing chesed, failure or the inability to do chesed leaves a person unfulfilled.
In my writings on self-esteem (Angels Don’t Leave Footprints) I pointed out that we value things for one of two reasons: (1) they are functional or (2) they are ornamental. If you have a grandfather clock whose mechanism breaks down, you may keep it as a handsome piece of furniture. If your can-opener no longer works, you discard it. Since it has no esthetic component, it has no value if it is not functional.
On what basis can a person have a sense of self-worth? Few people are so handsome as to be ornamental, and even those who are exceptionally handsome lose their beauty as they grow old. Man’s true worth is in his function, and in as much as a major function of man is to do chesed, the inability or failure to do chesed deprives a person of a source of self-esteem.
One of the tactics of the yetzer hara is to crush a person by depriving him of the ability to do chesed. The person who is isolated from others and cannot give of himself to others may lose his sense of self-worth. My years of working with people who are addicted to drugs or alcohol has convinced me that one of the factors that lead to addiction is self-centeredness. One recovered alcoholic expressed it this way: “I could look up at people or I could look down my nose at them. They were either far above me or beneath me, but I never felt that I belonged. Alcohol gave me the feeling that I belonged.” This person escaped from the distress of isolation via the anesthetic effects of alcohol.
Feeling that one does not belong causes a person to feel superfluous. The rabbi of Slonim found this message in the verse which he translated as, “Jacob felt superfluous because he was alone.” The low self-esteem and depression incident to isolation renders a person vulnerable to the attack of the yetzer hara.
Doing chesed is not only a great mitzvah, but it also helps a person to have a sense of worthiness and self-esteem.
Aish.com > Human Interest > Personal Growth
Learning to Like Yourself
TRENDING IN PERSONAL GROWTH
Rabbi Dr. Abraham Twerski
I had been left totally alone, in absolute communion with myself. I could hardly wait to get away.
I was in a grocery store when a woman walked down the aisle toward me carrying some empty boxes. She bumped into everyone and everything as she slowly made her way down the aisle and then she got stuck between a shelf and the boxes. With a sigh she said, “I seem to be getting in my own way.”
One of the obstacles in the path toward spirituality is the reluctance among many people to consciously reflect upon themselves. The reason for this became apparent to me when I attended a health spa to treat my chronic low back pain. I wanted to avoid potent painkillers for I am all too aware of the high risk of addiction. When my position as the Director of Psychiatry at a busy mental health hospital brought me to a point of burnout, I decided to “get away from it all” in the peace and quiet of a mineral spa.
On the first day at the spa, I was placed in a whirlpool bath in a small cubicle. It was nothing less than paradise. I relaxed in the warm water, whose whirling streams gently relaxed my whole body. I was at peace and there was nothing to disturb that peace. After about five or six very enjoyable minutes, I emerged from the whirlpool, telling the attendant how relaxing the experience had been. To my astonishment he said, “You can’t get out yet, sir. The treatment here requires that you stay in the whirlpool for 25 minutes.”
I found more than five minutes of peace intolerable. Why?
I returned to the tub, but not to an enjoyable experience. Every minute lasted for a painful eternity and after five minutes I could no longer take it. On my second exodus, the attendant informed me that unless I completed the requisite 25 minutes, I could not continue to the next phase of treatment. Not wishing to have spent my money in vain, I returned for 15 minutes of absolute torture.
Later I reflected on what had been a rude awakening. I had been certain that my distress had been due to the relentless pressures of my practice: a busy emergency room, receiving cases around the clock; a 300 bed acute psychiatric hospital for which I was responsible; serving as back up for all of the 300 patients if their personal psychiatrist was unavailable; frequent calls from distraught family members, police, lawyers, state government officials and sundry social agencies. Now I had been temporarily liberated from these overwhelming pressures, yet I found more than five minutes of peace intolerable. Why?
After a bit of self-analysis, the answer became apparent. We are adept at diversion, at amusing ourselves one way or another, but many of us are unable to truly relax. We entertain ourselves by reading, watching television, playing golf or cards, chatting with someone, listening to the stereo or CD or many other activities. But to be entertained is to be diverted, for that is what all these activities are: diversions. By focusing our attention on these activities, we divert our attention from everything, including ourselves. When all diversions are eliminated, we are left alone with ourselves, forced into direct contact with our own personalities and the personality flaws that trouble us, and this is where the difficulty lies.
I realized that when left alone in the cubicle in the spa there was no one to talk to, nothing to listen to, nothing to read, nothing to watch, nothing to do. I had been left totally alone, in absolute communion with myself. It is a common experience that when one is left alone in a room with someone one dislikes, it can be a very unpleasant experience, and one can hardly wait to get away.
This realization raised the question: what was there about myself I did not like? Why could I not tolerate being in my own presence?
I hypothesized that I must have some character traits that I would prefer to disown, but whose existence I could ignore as long as I was distracted by various external pre-occupations and stimuli. As I persisted in my introspection, I found myself to be a jealous person, often resenting why others had more than I did. I was often vain, trying to impress people. I became aware that when someone offended me that I could hate with a passion. I had temptations and impulses that I thought should be alien to a truly moral person. I reasoned that if people ever discovered what emotions existed beneath this facade that I presented to the world, they would probably reject me. And how could I ever merit blessings from God if I was indeed a base person?
Along this rather depressing course of self-reflection I came across a passage in the Talmud that enabled me to gain a different perspective. The Talmud explains (Tractate Shabbat 89a) that the various Biblical commandments of behavior were given to man precisely because he has a fundamentally animal body, subject to all the instincts and drives of the animal world. Man’s distinction is that he can become master over these impulses. In other words, the discovery of animalistic traits within myself was no reason to consider myself to be a “bad” person.
A bit of investigation with my patients confirmed my hypothesis: many people are indeed incapable of tolerating themselves, because they harbor self-directed feelings of negativity. Their discomfort with themselves may be so great that they employ a variety of tactics, some of them quite drastic, to escape or deny their identity as they perceive it.
I believe that this sorry state of affairs is a result of a distortion of the self-concept. In other words, these people are in actuality fine, competent and likeable people. The problem is that they are unaware of this reality. Instead of seeing themselves as they really are, they somehow develop a distorted image of themselves, and it is this distorted image, which they assume to be their real image, that becomes intolerable.
Needless to say alcoholism and other drug addictions are frequently the result of a person’s trying to blot out a self-consciousness that is uncomfortable and which is based on spurious and unwarranted notions of self.
Spirituality relates to what is in humans and how they master their animal-like instincts. This requires a valid and accurate self-awareness which may be distorted by negative delusions about one’s self. For spirituality to be pervasive, aspects of one’s humanity must be viewed realistically and must be appreciated.
https://torahweb.org/torah/special/2008/dtwe_esteem.html/
My Own Struggle with Low Self-Esteem
(In addition to reading the essay below, you can Listen to / watch Rabbi Dr. Twerski talk more about his struggle)
People often ask me, “Is it true that you’ve written over fifty books? How did you find time, with your busy schedule to write so many books?” I tell them that I did not really write fifty books. I wrote one book, in fifty different ways.
Almost everything I write relates in one way or another to the theme of self-esteem. I define self-esteem as a true and accurate awareness of one’s skills, capabilities and limitations. The importance of this should be obvious. A person can adjust optimally to reality only to the degree that one’s perception of reality is correct. An incorrect perception of reality is a delusion, and someone who is delusional cannot possibly adjust properly to reality. For example, if a person who does not have a cent to his name but because he has the delusion that he is a millionaire buys expensive cars, clothes and jewelry, he is going to get into serious trouble. Or, if a person who does not know how to drive takes a job as a truck driver, he will soon be in trouble.
I am an important part of my reality, indeed, the most important part. If I am delusional about myself, there is no way I can live a happy and productive life. If I happen to be bright but think that I am dull, if I am personable but think myself to be undesirable, if I am handsome and think myself to be homely, I am delusional, and my distorted self-concept precludes an optimal adjustment to life. Indeed, I believe that the overwhelming number of psychological problems that are not of physiologic origin are invariably due to low self-esteem, i.e., to a distorted self-concept in which a person grossly underestimates oneself.
The feelings of inadequacy and unlikeability are very painful, and the unconscious mind exercises a number of maneuvers to shield a person from this pain. These maneuvers can result in suboptimal behavior and a variety of symptoms. I described some of these in Life’s Too Short.
I emphasize the problem of low self-esteem because I was a victim of this condition, but had no idea that this was so, just as any delusional person has no idea that one’s perceptions of reality are incorrect. In retrospect, I did many things to protect my fragile self-esteem, things that were costly to myself and my family.
I first became aware that I had a self-esteem problem at age thirty-eight. For three years, I had been director of a huge, 300 bed psychiatric facility with a very busy emergency room. If a nurse could not reach an attending doctor, I was called. Every other night I was on call to the emergency room. On a good night, I was awoken only five times; on a bad night, ten or more times.
I had a vacation coming and was desirous of getting away from an impossibly hectic situation. I sought a vacation spot that would allow me to do nothing other than vegetate. I wanted no sightseeing or activities. I finally decided on Hot Springs, Arkansas, which promised to allow me total rest.
The industry of Hot Springs is horse-racing, which begins in mid-February. I reached Hot Springs in December, when there was nothing doing in town. Most of the stores were boarded up. It was the vacation spot I had hoped for.
Having had low-back pain for years, I thought I would take advantage of the mineral-water baths, which were touted as producing miraculous results. I was taken into a tiny cubicle, and an attendant gave me two glasses of hot mineral water which was naturally heated deep in the earth. Then I was put into a tub of these magic waters, and the whirlpool was turned on.
I felt I was in Paradise! No one could reach me, no patient, no nurse, no doctor, no family member, no social worker, no probation officer. I was beyond reach. And in this paradisical situation, I was bathing in nature’s own hot-water. Who could ask for more?
After about five minutes, I got up and said to the attendant, “That was wonderful! Just what I’d been hoping for.”
The attendant said, “Where are you going, sir?” I said, “Wherever the next part of the treatment is.” The attendant said, “First you must stay in the whirlpool for 25 minutes.”
I returned to the bath, and after five minutes I said, “Look, I have to get out of here.” The attendant said, “As you wish, but you cannot go on with the rest of the treatment.”
I did not wish to forego the treatment, so I returned to the tub for 15 minutes of purgatory. The hands on the clock on the wall did not seem to be moving.
Later that day, I realized that I had a rude awakening. I had taken three years of constant stress without difficulty, but I could not take ten minutes of Paradise! Something was wrong.
On return home I consulted a psychologist. He pointed out that if you asked people how they relaxed, one would say, “I read a good book,” or “I listen to music,” or “I do needlework,” or “I play golf.” Everyone tells you what they do to relax. However, relaxation is an absence of effort. One does not do anything to relax. What most people describe as relaxation is actually diversion. You divert you attention to the book, needlework or golf ball.
Diversions are perfectly OK, but they are actually escapist techniques. Work and diversion are fairly healthy techniques. Unfortunately, some people escape into alcohol, drugs, food or gambling.
In the cubicle at Hot Springs, I had no diversions: nothing to read, nothing to look at, nothing to listen to, no one to talk to, nothing to do. In absence of all diversions, I was left in immediate contact with myself. I could not remain there long because I didn’t like the person I was with!
Why are people using a variety of escapist maneuvers? What is it that they seek to escape? Very often it is from themselves. If, as was the case with me, they have an erroneous self-concept, they cannot stand being with themselves.
People assume that low self-esteem is caused by parental neglect, abuse, comparison to other siblings, illness or failures. None of these applied to me. I had loving parents and a nanny who thought I was G-d’s gift to the world. I was a chess prodigy and achieved excellence in school that enabled me to graduate high school at 16. There was simply no logical reason for me to feel inferior, yet I suffered from low self-esteem and was not aware of it until the incident at Hot Springs.
What may be the cause or causes of low self-esteem, the symptoms that result from it and what one can do to overcome it are discussed in my books Let Us Make Man, Life’s Too Short, Angels Don’t Leave Footprints and Ten Steps to Being Your Best.
You may say, “I know myself thoroughly, and I know that I am unlikable or dull or unattractive or impersonal. Those are facts, and it’s not my imagination.”
That’s the way I felt even after being a psychiatrist for several years. If you find that you have any of the traits I discussed in Life’s Too Short, you are suffering unnecessarily from low self-esteem. Do whatever it takes to get over this.
Listen to / watch Rabbi Dr. Twerski talk more about his struggle
“Dr. Abraham Twerski was a psychiatrist and founder of Gateway Rehabilitation Center in Pittsburgh, one of America’s leading facilities for addiction treatment. He was the author of 90 books, and lectured extensively on the topics of chemical dependency, stress, self-esteem and spirituality. For 20 years, he served as clinical director of the Department of Psychiatry at St. Francis Hospital in Pittsburgh, and was associate professor of psychiatry at the University of Pittsburgh’s School of Medicine. He passed away January 31, 2021, Shevat 18, 5781, at the age of 90.”
Rabbis, rebbetzins and chaplains have the abilities of helping to uplift the spirits of the downtrodden. They are able to be, empathetic, supportive, understanding and caring for those who are feeling down or facing difficult times. Rabbis, rebbetzins and chaplains are able to listen and when appropriate offer inspiration/ chizuk. There is one other important thought and that is to offer support to each other- when we need it most. We don’t live in a vacuum. Even professionals seek the advice, the encouragement and the support from others. Most of all, we always seek the guidance and the blessings from the Ribono shel Olam for all that we do.
I might not be the originator of the following, but I want to share the following:
We give thanks (to H) for all that we are able to do, not what we cannot do.
We give thanks (to H) for all that we have accomplished, not what we were unable to have accomplished.
Sincerely, Rabbi Yehuda Blank