<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
Rabbi Yehuda {Leonard} Blank MS, BCC
Vice President of Professional Development and External Affairs
Chair of the Chaplaincy Commission
Rabbinical Alliance of America/Igud HaRabbonim
917-446-2126  rablenblank@gmail.com
==November 28, 2024, Cheshvan 27, 5785 ==
<><><><><> <><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

CONGRATULATIONS-MAZEL TOV
TO JESSICA TISCH ON BECOMING THE POLICE COMMISSIONER OF NEW YORK CITY. SHE WILL CONTINUE TO BRING MUCH PRIDE TO NYC, THE NYPD AND ALL OF OUR JEWISH CITIZENS. NOT ONLY IS SHE A PROUD AMERICAN AND A PROUD NEW YORKER, SHE IS A PROUD JEW WHO WEARS A JEWISH STAR FOR ALL TO SEE.
WISHING HER MUCH HATZLACHA.

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

The Essence of Everything is Min HaShamayim.
“Calm in the Back Seat”

Life does go on even after times of grief and bereavement.

Avraham Avinu went through his grief and bereavement. Life did go on and he eventually remarried and in fact had more children.

My friend, my chaver, who recently celebrated his wife’s shloshim after two and a half years of a blessed marriage. He wants to go on with life just as his wife would have wanted him to. If the circumstances would have been different he would have wanted her go on with life.

“Ahavas Olam beis Yisrael amcha ahavta.”

================================================

From: Calm in the Back Seat
“It’s About Following What H Wants And
Doing The Best We Can Wherever He Takes Us”

By Rabbi Moshe Don Kestenbaum. Yated Ne’eman, November 22, 2024, Page 16. (Rabbi Kestenbaum is the Rosh Yeshiva of Yeshiva Gedola Ohr Yitzchak in Waterbury, Connecticut. “I usually leave my house around 5:45 in the morning to drive to my yeshiva in Passaic, hosted graciously by Rav Menachem Zupnik and his choshuve mispallim at Beis Torah u’Tefilla, otherwise known as BTU. Last week, about fifteen minutes into my trip, I realized that I had forgotten my tefillim, which meant that I had to turn around. Back home I went, starting my trip anew at 6:12. Now, not only was I running late, but I was also likely to hit a different traffic pattern. Sure enough, I didn’t reach Passaic until close to 9, arriving just in time for Shacharis at Ahavas.

On the way, I shared my frustration with my wife, and she suggested that I listen to the Bitachon Hotline (732-719-3898), because “he speaks precisely to what you are going through.” She was right. The message was exactly what I needed, and here’s the essence of what he shared:

Rav Shlomo Halioua zt”l (He was the Rosh Yeshiva of Chaim Berlin who was recently nifter) was known for his incredible menuchas hanefesh and simcha. Someone once asked him how he managed to maintain his calm and joy, even under challenging and potentially stressful circumstances. Rav Halioua answered with a story: Once he was being driven to a chasunah, but they couldn’t locate the hall and ended up circling endlessly. Eventually, they realized that they had the wrong address and were completely off course. The entire trip, including the wedding, took nine hours.

Rav Halioua explained that despite having plenty to do, he didn’t become upset, because he saw himself as sitting in the back seat. H was driving, and he was just following along. It wasn’t about his own agenda. It was about following H’s will and doing his best wherever H placed him. So, there was never a reason to feel stressed or upset.

Small children can sit in the back seat and fall asleep without a worry about whether their father or mother is driving in the right direction. As we grow older, we tend to become backseat drivers. Despite our belief in H, we feel that we are in control and struggle to let go rather than remaining relaxed like a trusting child in the back seat. We stress when we’re running late or when things don’t go our way.

The famous Ramban at the end of Parshas Bo explains that man’s purpose in creation is to recognize H and declare our loyalty to Him. This recognition goes beyond acknowledging His creation of the world and us. It means recognizing His hand in all that happens to us. “Anochi H Elokecha asher hotzeisicha mibais avodim- I am H, your G who took you out of slavery.” He is intimately involved in every aspect of our lives. All that happens is with His plan and purpose.

We can learn Torah, daven, and perform mitzvos, yet become stressed anytime things don’t go our way, thus missing our primary goal of truly believing that H is running the world. Admittedly, it isn’t easy not to get frustrated when we make a wrong turn, but it’s something that we can work on. We can build and strengthen our emunah and menuchas hanefesh. We can move to the back seat, relax, and trust that the ultimate driver of the world is guiding us to where we need to be.”

============================================

In previous articles I mentioned the importance shared by my wife a”h and Rebbe zt’l of going on in life and to have a meaningful and positive outlook personally and professionally. It is important to internalize that everything in life is min HaShamayim., I want to share with you the wonderful emunah and betachon of a dear friend and chaver Alvin Nichter who recently lost his wife. (I featured Alvin and his dear wife Marla a”h in previous articles including their wedding over two years ago.)  Though they both had been diagnosed with life-threatening illnesses, they loved each other and wanted to marry and be together for as long as the Ribono shel Olam would decide. They had tremendous emunah and betachon in H and cared so much for each other. Marla would have wanted Alvin to go on in life with happiness if it would have meant for her to go to Haolom Habah which she surely is in. I was invited to attend and speak at the Shloshim siyum held at Congregation Etz Chaim of Flatbush in Brooklyn, NY where my colleague Rabbi Simcha Silverman is the Rav. Alvin shared with me the love he and his wife had for each other and his desire to go on with a happy outlook in life. He is thankful to H for everything He has given him especially His gift of Marla. I, and everyone who knows Alvin are very grateful for the chizuk, the inspiration and encouragement he gives to all of us. 

One of my positions was working as Pastoral Care/Chaplain and also the Jewish Liaison for MJHS, Metropolitan Jewish Healthcare System, Hospice and Palliative Care. One of the departments I worked closely with was grief and bereavement. My years working at MJHS were phenomenal. I worked with pediatrics through the elderly, Holocaust survivors, men and women of diverse Jewish and non-Jewish backgrounds. Working in collaboration with the staff of the bereavement department was very special. My experiences were immensely helpful for myself after my wife died. One of the various booklets and information given to families whose loved ones had died was “When You Are Grieving- A Guide to Understanding Loss” I would like to share one piece “Looking Toward the Future” Page 13 “As you travel through grief, you may wish you could get back to the way life was before the loss. It may help to realize life is never going to be the same as it was before. But you can be okay again. You can find a new normal.

One way you can honor your loved one’s memory is by giving yourself permission to be happy again. Allow yourself to enjoy life and have meaningful relationships. May you find moments of peace and happiness-now and in the future.

The death of your loved one may have changed your life, But it has not destroyed you. Trust that your grief will get easier with time. Know that one day you will be able to look toward the future with hope.

What you can do:

  • Take life one moment, one step at a time.
  • When you are ready, adjust your focus to the future.
    Start making plans and setting new goals.
  • Continue to be gentle with yourself.”

====================================

Often family members have regrets on the decisions they have made or should have made for their loved ones who died. Alvin was an exceptional husband who cared for his wife. He not only gave care and looked out for her interest, but he always showed and conveyed his gratitude for his wife. He was affectionate and shared his appreciation for the way she was looking forward to setting up their apartment when they get married.  Anyone who knew Marla and knows Alvin can attest what a wonderful loving and caring couple they were to each other and what a caring husband he was. But there is always a feeling of what more could I have done. Rabbi Avraham Pam addresses the feeling of “What more could I have or should have done.” 

=====================================

From: A Vort from Rav Pam
“Guilt Feelings”

By Rabbi Sholom Smith, Artscroll Published by Mesorah Publications Ltd.
Parshas Cheyei Sarah, Page 48-49, “Sarah’s lifetime was one hundred years, twenty years and seven years; the years of Sarah’s life.”( 23:1) “The wording of this pasuk seems to be unnecessarily repetitive. What is the significance of the last few words, “the years of Sarah’s life”? Rav Pam would quote an insight of his grandfather, R’Shimon Dov Anelik, the Shedlitzer Rav, which has very practical implications: Rashi says that the death of Sarah is mentioned shortly after the account of Akeidas Yitzchak (The Binding of Yitzchak) because the two incidents are related. Before Avraham returned from the Akeidah, the Satan came to Sarah and told her that Avraham had taken Yitzchok, tied him down on an altar, and was about to offer him as a sacrifice to H. Before she heard the news that, at the last minute, an angel had commanded Avraham not to slaughter Yitzchak, her soul departed from her and she died.

It would seem that had the Satan not frightened her in this manner, she would have lived many more years and not died at the relatively your age of 127. Thus, the Torah stresses that these were the years of Sarah, the exact amount allotted to her the time of her conception. It is incorrect to believe that the shocking news caused her premature death.

This is an important point, since many times after a tragedy or fatal illness, relatives of the deceased are plagued by guilt feelings. They feel that had they taken a different route or treatment option, things would have been different and the tragedy would not have occurred. This is a common reaction, but it is erroneous.

Rav Pam would cite an incident from his own life to illustrate this. After his father, R Meir Pam, the rav of the Beis Medrash HaGadol of Brownsville, passed away on 28 Nissan, 5729 (1969), the family returned from the cemetery and were eating the traditional mourners’ meal. One of Rav Pam’s siblings said, “Had we taken a different course in the treatment for our father, he would still be alive now…” Rav Pam’s mother, Rebbetzin Rochel Leah, responded, “No! We did everything we could to help him. These were the allotted years of your father’s life and nothing could be done to change that.” She then repeated the insight of her father, the Shedlitzer Rav, on the words “the years of Sarah’s life.”

This insight has strengthened mourners, especially those sitting shivah for someone who died tragically or due to an accident or under unusual circumstances. It is also pertinent when there are various treatment alternatives to heal a sick person and, after careful deliberation, the family decides on a particular option which ultimately is not successful. They must realize that this was the Will of H. They did their best and should not feel guilty about what happened.” 

I would like to share the importance of the words “life should go on.” The Parsha of Chayei Sarah begins with Avraham Avinu’s involvement with the burial of his wife Sarah Imeinu, their journey in their personal lives was to follow the ways of the Ribono shel Olam. The death of Sarah was an immense loss for Avraham. Yet not only does the public mourning of his Eishis Chayil come to an end, the parsha goes on to describe the various aspects of shidduchim with the eventual marriage of his son Yitzchok to Rifka and also about Avraham remarrying and having additional children even at his later age. Avraham never gave up hope but rather continued to have a meaningful life- as we say, life goes on. He did not permit grief and bereavement to take hold of his life but to make life as meaningful as possible. It is important to have a positive outlook in life and to celebrate each day of our lives with kindness, with goodness with compassion and with meaning. As rabbis, rebbetzins and chaplains, we can offer the meaning and purpose of life from our hearts, our wisdom, our prayers and our relationship with the Divine.

Alvin and Marla could have given up years ago but despite their medical challenges and their age they did not despair or give up. For some reason that only H knows why, they were destined to go through their challenging times and wait x amount of years until the Ribono shel Olam brought them together. Their love for each other grew every single day. Their care for each other grew every single day and they made their lives together with tremendous greatness. Marla was a beautiful bride, Alvin a handsome groom were surrounded by rabbis, relatives and dear friends at their wedding. It was so beautiful. The scenery, the ambiance and the Jewish spirit was exceptional. No one except H knew what would transpire after two and half years of marriage. But their marriage just like their wedding was spectacular.  They moved into a neighborhood and became members of a sincere and wonderful congregation in a synagogue led by a magnificent rabbi. As Alvin mentioned to me several times what a wonderful community and synagogue family they have who welcomed them with open arms and love. 

From: Faith and Trust
“True Happiness”

By Rabbi Shemuel Houminer. Faith and Trust. Published by Quantum Press, Distributed by Feldheim Publishers. Pages 24-25.  “The one who trusts in G is always happy, as the verse says, “Let our hearts rejoice, for we have trusted in His holy name” (Tehillim 33:21).’

======================================

 May all of us, all of Klal Yisrael continue to stand strong and steadfast loving the Ribono shel Olam with love and devotion for our Torah and mitzvos . May we all continue to have achdus with each other, and continue with Chveirim Kol Yisrael, Am Yisrael Chai and be proud members of Klal Yisrael seeking Shalom al Yisrael. May our lives be filled with kindness, with goodness and may our love for H continue to grow stronger every single day. May we merit to be able to make a Kiddush H whenever and however possible. We must be erlich and kind to all men and women of all backgrounds whatever their culture, ethnicity, or religion might be. We must be erlich and kind to all of Klal Yisrael  for we are all brothers and sisters and follow in the ways of H. Let us be like Avraham Avinu and Sarah Imeinu. 

======================================

From: The Tefilah of Ahavas Torah

By Rabbi Dr. Abraham Twerski. The Shabbos Companion, Shaar Press Publication, Distributed by Mesorah Publications Ltd Pages 112-113. “With and eternal love have You loved the House of Israel, Your nation. Torah and commandments, decrees and ordinances have You taught us. Therefore H, our G, upon our retiring and arising, we will discuss Your decrees and we will rejoice with the words of Your Torah and with Your commandments for all eternity. For they are our life and the length of our days and about them we meditate day and night. May You not remove Your love from us forever. Blessed are You, H, Who loves His people Israel.

This beracha expresses G’s unwavering love for Israel. In the Shema, we are instructed to love G. Solomon says, “Just as the water reflects one’s image, so does one heart reflect another” (Proverbs 27:19). Inasmuch as G’s love for us is intense, why do we not all feel an intense love for G? The answer is that Solomon chose his words carefully. He did not say “Just as a mirror reflects one’s image,” but rather as water does. The difference is that a mirror will reflect an image even from a distance, whereas with water one must be very close . If we come close to G, His love for us will result in reciprocating our love for Him. 

How does one become close to G? By observing the Torah, and particularly by emulating G’s attributes. 

As was noted, G’s kindness is not always manifest. Israel’s history is replete with periods where G’s kindness was heavily cloaked. Yet we understand that His love is ahavas olam, everlasting. Our physical eyes may see intense suffering, and it is with our strong faith, our “spiritual” eyes, that we see everything G does as a kindness. It is for this reason that we cover our eyes, when reciting the Shema, whereby we express our belief that our physical vision must yield to our faith, our spiritual vision.”

“With an eternal love have You loved the House of Israel, Your nation. Torah and commandments, decrees and ordinances have You taught us.”

Obviously, the mitzvos do not benefit G. “If you have been righteous, what have you given to Him?” (Job 35:7). We are the ones who benefit from the mitzvos, and it is because of G’s love for us that He gave us the mitzvos.” The Holy One, Blessed is He, wished to confer merit upon Israel, therefore He gave them Torah and mitzvos in abundance” (Makkos 23b).”

May we always remember how much H loves us, that He always wants the best for us and that everything is Min HaShamaim. May we be zoche to have much good health, happiness, simchos and to the coming of Mashiach when we will experience Techiyas Hameisim and all of Klal Yisrael will once again be together. Amein

Sincerely, Rabbi Yehuda Blank