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Rabbi Yehuda (Leonard) Blank MS, BCC
Vice President of Professional Development and External Affairs
Rabbinical Alliance of America/Igud HaRabbonim
917-446-2126 rablenblank@gmail.com
<>=<>=<>Thursday December 21, 2023, Teves 9, 5783<>=<>=<>
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Loneliness, Unhappiness or Happiness
Loneliness after Chanukah during the winter months with no holiday until
Purim. This brings to mind various types of loneliness.
Such as;
Loneliness after observing a shiva when everyone has left.
Loneliness attending services in a shul without any friendships.
Loneliness attending a kiddush or any simcha with no one to talk to.
Loneliness for an almana, a widower or a divorcee.
The loss of having a close and meaningful relationship.
Shlomo HaMelech’s wisdom- the sword and the baby.
The importance of wisdom for a Rabbi, Rebbetzin and a Chaplain.
Knowing what to say, what to share, what not to say and what not to share.
A time for listening and a time to be in the present takes great wisdom.
Wisdom, chachma is something we are mispallel for.
“Loneliness is a Disease, and Judaism Has a Cure”
To see the video from The Foundation for Art and Healing. Project UnLonely,
Film Club Connections “An aging dancer finds joy in life despite her loneliness.”
Click on the link below the Rebbetzin’s and Women’s Corner.
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The following is for informational purposes only. It is not meant to help diagnose or decide on your own the type of loneliness someone you know is experiencing. If symptoms of loneliness persist, perhaps a mental health professional should be consulted.
“Loneliness is an unpleasant emotional response to perceived isolation. Loneliness is also described as social pain – a psychological mechanism which motivates individuals to seek social connections. It is often associated with a perceived lack of connection and intimacy. Loneliness overlaps and yet is distinct from solitude. Solitude is simply the state of being apart from others; not everyone who experiences solitude feels lonely. As a subjective emotion, loneliness can be felt even when a person is surrounded by other people. Hence, there is a distinction between being alone and feeling lonely. Loneliness can be short term or long term. In either case, it can be intense and painful.” From Wikipedia
From: Psychology today
Posted February 27, 2017 | Reviewed by Lybi Ma
7 Types of Loneliness, and Why It Matters
One key — maybe the key — to happiness is strong connections to other people.
Key Points
- For a happy life, people need intimate bonds—to be able to confide in others, feel like they belong, and give and get support.
- While desired solitude feels peaceful, creative, and restorative, loneliness feels draining, distracting, and upsetting.
- It’s possible to feel lonely when one has “friends” they can’t quite trust, or a romantic partner they don’t feel connected to.
One major challenge within happiness is loneliness. The more I’ve learned about happiness, the more I’ve come to believe that loneliness is a common and important obstacle to consider.
To be happy, we need intimate bonds; we need to be able to confide, we need to feel like we belong, we need to be able to get and give support. In fact, strong relationships are key — perhaps the key — to a happy life.
Of course, being alone and being lonely aren’t the same. Loneliness feels draining, distracting, and upsetting; desired solitude feels peaceful, creative, restorative.
It seems to me that there are several types of loneliness. Of course, not everyone experiences loneliness in the situations described — for instance, not everyone wants a romantic partner. But for some people, the lack of certain kinds of relationships brings loneliness.
Once we’ve pinpointed the particular kind of loneliness we’re experiencing, it may be easier to spot ways to address it.
Here are some types I’ve identified. What have I overlooked?
7 Types of Loneliness
- New-situation loneliness. You’ve moved to a new city where you don’t know anyone, or you’ve started a new job, or you’ve started at a school full of unfamiliar faces. You’re lonely.
- I’m-different loneliness. You’re in a place that’s not unfamiliar, but you feel different from other people in an important way that makes you feel isolated. Maybe your faith is really important to you, and the people around you don’t share that — or vice versa. Maybe everyone loves doing outdoor activities, but you don’t — or vice versa. It feels hard to connect with others about the things you find important. Or maybe you’re just hit with the loneliness that hits all of us sometimes — the loneliness that’s part of the human condition.
- No-sweetheart loneliness. Even if you have lots of family and friends, you feel lonely because you don’t have the intimate attachmentof a romantic partner. Or maybe you have a partner, but you don’t feel a deep connection to that person.
- No-animal loneliness. Many people have a deep need to connect with animals. If this describes you, you’re sustained by these relationships in a way that human relationships don’t replace. While I love my dog Barnaby, I don’t feel this myself — but many people feel like something important is missing if they don’t have a dog or cat (or less conveniently, a horse) in their lives.
- No-time-for-me loneliness. Sometimes you’re surrounded by people who seem friendly enough, but they don’t want to make the jump from friendly to friends. Maybe they’re too busy with their own lives, or they have lots of friends already, so while you’d like a deeper connection, they don’t seem interested. Or maybe your existing friends have entered a new phase that means they no longer have time for the things you all used to do — everyone has started working very long hours or has started a family, so your social scene has changed.
- Untrustworthy-friends loneliness. Sometimes, you get in a situation where you begin to doubt whether your friends are truly well-intentioned, kind, and helpful. You’re “friends” with people but don’t quite trust them. An important element of friendshipis the ability to confide and trust, so if that’s missing, you may feel lonely, even if you have fun with your friends.
- Quiet-presence loneliness. Sometimes, you may feel lonely because you miss having someone else’s quiet presence. You may have an active social circle at work, or have plenty of friends and family, but you miss having someone to hang out with at home — whether that would mean living with a roommate, a family member, or a sweetheart. Just someone who’s fixing a cup of coffee in the next room or reading on the sofa.
It’s important to realize why we feel lonely, because only then can we see how we might address it. If you’re no-time-for-me lonely, for instance, maybe a solution would be to work with people on a project, where you’d be doing an endeavor together, on something you’ve all made time for. My mother once noted — and I think it’s very true — it’s easier to make friends when you’re working on a project together.
Loneliness is a major factor in unhappiness, so it’s an important area to tackle if you’re working on making yourself happier.
One of the keys — maybe the key — to happiness is strong connections to other people. The lack of these bonds, even temporarily, is a major happiness stumbling block. Have you found any good ways to understand and deal with loneliness?”
From The Kol Dodi on the Haftaros by Rabbi David Feinstein Artscroll Series, Mesorah Publications Ltd. Haftara Mikeitz. “The very young, newly crowned Shlomo had a dream that ended with H’s promise that he would enjoy unprecedented wisdom. That dream and H’s blessing made it possible for the new king to demonstrate a degree of wisdom that would convince the nation that, young though he was, Shlomo was worthy to sit on the throne of his illustrious father. The famous case of the two mothers, each of whom claimed that the baby was hers. Two women lived in the same house. They both gave birth. One of the babies died. The mother of the dead child put her son next to the other woman and while that woman was asleep, took the live baby to her own side claiming it was her baby and the dead child belonging to the other woman. With what has come to be called “Solomonic wisdom”, the king decreed that the baby be cut in half and divided between the two claimants. The reaction of the two women proved who was the real mother The woman whose son was the live one spoke to the king- because her compassion was aroused for her son- and she said, “Please my lord, give her the living newborn, and do not put it to death!” But the other one said, “Neither mine nor yours shall be. Cut!” The real mother would not only give up her claim to the baby but would have been overjoyed that her child would remain alive, no matter who would have custody. The other woman had no feeling for the baby; all she wanted was to emerge victorious. The king spoke up and said, “Give her (the first one) the living newborn and do not put it to death; she is the mother!” All Israel heard the judgment that the king rendered, and they were in awe of the king, for they saw that the wisdom of G was within him, to do justice.”
We all strive to have the wisdom of Shlomo HaMelech, but do we have the right to say that whatever advice we give to those who we minister to is like King Solomon’s? We can only do our best and be mispallel that whatever advice we do give is appropriate and well thought of as best as possible. It is important to be empathetic, considerate, have feelings for others and be compassionate. As chaplains, we know it is not our responsibility to fix a concern a person is having but to be sympathetic, to listen and if necessary, to offer advice that is appropriate. Of course there is more to it such as being reflective and engaging the person, giving him/her the opportunity to explain and to share his/her concerns. Also, to give that person the opportunity of listening to what he/she would think is the best way to deal with his or her concerns. Ultimately, we always should acknowledge that whatever wisdom we do have and impart to others comes from the Ribono shel Olam. We could help a person find reasonable solutions by suggesting helpful resources or someone who could be helpful. Trying to understand what a person is seeking or going through is important. It is meaningful to say I don’t have the answer, or I don’t know, but I will look into the matter to find information that could be helpful.
It is important to be helpful with someone’s loneliness. Often patience, fortitude and resources can help direct a person to a more positive life in due time and will bring happiness into a person’s life and well being.
From: The Jewish Journal January 18, 2023, by Tabby Refael
“Loneliness is a Disease, and Judaism Has a Cure”
Yes, seeing friends in person can be an inconvenience, but in building and maintaining connections, Nearly a decade ago, while staying with my then-29-year-old cousin in Tel Aviv, I noticed something extraordinary: Several times a week, my cousin’s friends would each stop by unannounced, buzz from the downstairs apartment gate and declare, “I was in the neighborhood and thought I’d say hi.” My cousin and her friends would enjoy a cup of tea or a snack and simply connect in person with one another. Sometimes, it lasted a few minutes. Sometimes, more.
As an Angeleno, I rarely have this experience. In LA, which spans over 500 square miles, dropping by a friend’s home is pathetically complicated, if not downright impossible. There are too many logistics and too many traffic considerations. If a friend who lives in Santa Monica decides to “drop-in’” unexpectedly to see me in Pico-Robertson, she should arrive by 1 p.m. and head back no later than 2 p.m. to avoid maddening traffic.
Yes, in LA we more or less have one decent, traffic-free hour during daytime to plan visits with friends and even then, we’d rather spend that hour alone, scrolling social media.
There’s something that ravages our health even more than poor diet, lack of sleep or not enough exercise: loneliness.
But there’s something that ravages our health even more than poor diet, lack of sleep or not enough exercise: loneliness.
Loneliness kills. It’s even known to increase the risk of Alzheimer’s, diabetes and depression. And when it comes to loneliness, researchers are asking why Americans are spending less and less time in person with friends.
A May 2021 American Perspectives Survey report titled “The State of American Friendship: Change, Challenges, and Loss” found that Americans are spending less time in person with friends than ever before and that they also “report having fewer close friendships than they once did, talking to their friends less often, and relying less on their friends for personal support.”
It’s tempting to blame the social isolation wreaked by the pandemic, but that doesn’t explain the fact that the number of Americans who made time to see friends in person was declining before COVID-19. In fact, that number actually increased slightly in 2020.
There’s got to be something more to this. Why are Americans seeing fewer friends in person and reporting more feelings of loneliness?
The simple answer is that social media, with its ability to “connect” us with thousands of others, has created an illusion of friendship that’s fooled many of us. I may not have actually seen a particular friend (in person) in four years, but I “see” my friend nearly each day through her social media posts. And there are other, closer friends whom I text once or twice a week. Isn’t that enough?
As it turns out, turning to social media as a way to curb loneliness and deepen friendships is a facade. It’s 2023 and many of us are so parched from loneliness that it almost seems like we’re fasting. Our solution? To constantly quench our deep thirst with sips of soda (social media), rather than gallons of water (in-person connections).
Commenting on a friend’s picture doesn’t quell our loneliness; sharing a friend’s post isn’t a conversation. Yes, seeing friends in person can be an inconvenience, but in building and maintaining connections, there’s simply no substitute for it.
The Torah recounts that G d initially created a single person — in essence, a lonely being. But according to Genesis, “And G d said: It is not good for man to be alone; I will make him a helper opposite him” (Genesis 2:18).
What happens when we’re virtually (digitally) surrounded by thousands and still feel alone? Amazingly, Judaism has a built-in antidote to loneliness: It’s called the miracle of Shabbat.
But what happens when we’re virtually (digitally) surrounded by thousands and still feel alone? Amazingly, Judaism has a built-in antidote to loneliness: It’s called the miracle of Shabbat.
I’m referring specifically to attending a Shabbat meal, one of the last guaranteed ways to see friends on a weekly basis. Imagine a built-in system that ensures that you see at least one or two friends a week, each week, for an entire year, and for Jews who observe the laws of Shabbat, that your phones are nowhere in sight during the entire interaction.
A Shabbat meal with a few friends, whether we’re hosts or guests, also offers an antidote to the majority of excuses we offer when explaining why we don’t make time to see friends in person. If your friends are inaccessible, a Shabbat dinner or lunch invite is hard to turn down. Simply put, everyone has to eat, and who would turn down a warm meal at a friend’s home?
A Shabbat meal also solves parents’ problem of feeling that they have to choose between their friends and their children on weekends. During a Shabbat meal, parents can spend time with both their kids and their friends, and as an added perk, kids have more chances to become socialized with other children and to associate Shabbat with fun and friendship. Of course, anyone who’s ever tried to rein in their younger kids during a Shabbat meal knows it’s impossible to give equal time to friends at the table, but again, there’s no substitution for seeing friends in person, even if you’re changing a diaper and pulling a copious amount of cholent out of your hair.
I believe it’s important for children to see that their parents have friends. It’s worth asking if your child sees you in the presence of your phone more than in the presence of other people, including your partner.
If you’re concerned that hosting is too hard, order a few takeout items from the supermarket or host a potluck meal. If you’re not receiving enough invitations for a Shabbat meal, there’s a solution for that as well. It will take a little courage but write a post on social media or in a group chat, and make it cute: “Extremely interesting young woman (you) would love to be hosted for Shabbat lunch this week. Will bring as much wine as needed.” Text a friend and ask if he or she is hosting soon. In the worst case, the answer will be “not this week,” but your friend will hopefully have you in mind for a meal in the near future.
Recently, one of my friends posted in a group chat, “Who would like to host a couple and their two adorable children for Shabbat lunch this week? We’ll bring dessert and wipe all hands and noses before entry.” That kind of vulnerability touched my heart and I invited them right away.
Before I was married, I spent many Shabbat lunches at home by myself because I wrongly believed that in order to host a good Shabbat meal, I needed to invite dozens of people. But that was too hard to manage. In hindsight, I should have invited at least one friend over. It doesn’t take more than that to relieve loneliness.
In January, we rush to commit to healthier habits, including a near-ubiquitous commitment to lose weight. With just one meal a week with a friend on Shabbat, we can take a break from focusing on what we’d like to lose, and open our eyes to everything we want to gain.
Tabby Refael is an award-winning, LA-based writer, speaker and civic action activist. Follow her on Twitter and Instagram @TabbyRefael.
May we be a source of happiness, kindness and goodness for each other and a lamp of warmth and brightness for Klal Yisrael.
Sincerely. Rabbi Yehuda Blank
: The Rebbetzin’s and Women’s Corner: